The same old song (and plane) two years later.
As I write my first entry, I can't help but reflect on the past two years. Below, you will find a series of thoughts, all written in transit to and from major life events from 2012 to 2014. They are long, painful, existential rants so user beware.
Today, I feel quite different on the commercial plane whisking me back to Japan than I did two years ago, reporting for the first time. I thought the major jumps and milestones eased up at 25, but I was sorely mistaken. My life is increasingly similar to a run away roller coaster ride; beyond my control and no way of getting off. It is a direct reflection of what I want...everything. Specifically, everything that conflicts. I want adventure, but I want simplicity. I have incredible wanderlust but just want to be in Pittsburgh near my family. I want to excel in an academic field, be important professionally, and conquer challenges; but I just want to be a high school teacher/cheer coach with an upper middle-class lifestyle and husband with "the job." In short, I have no idea what I want and I live inside my head far too much.
This brings us to the quest: happiness. With all the uncertainty of my life, with all the planning, and trying, the doing the right thing (read: socially appropriate thing), I've lost sight of happiness. I am anxious from living in the future, I am lonely from depriving myself of things and people that I love, I am exhausted from being overwhelmed, I am unkind to myself in a way that would be unacceptable coming from others, and I am just really very sad.
The good news is that it doesn't need to be this way.
This is the 1st day of 2014, and I am in an all too familiar plane. Today is the day I began to take control of my happiness. Today, I did not mourn my situation. Today, I did not cry when I left my family. Today, I CHOSE to be grateful for my time at home, my time left in Japan, my work, my friends, my job, and my life. Your character is directly reflective of the choices you make everyday. In 2014, I choose to be happy.
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12/29/11; 2:49PM – EST; 12/30/11 4:49AM- Japan Standard Time
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As I write my first entry, I can't help but reflect on the past two years. Below, you will find a series of thoughts, all written in transit to and from major life events from 2012 to 2014. They are long, painful, existential rants so user beware.
Today, I feel quite different on the commercial plane whisking me back to Japan than I did two years ago, reporting for the first time. I thought the major jumps and milestones eased up at 25, but I was sorely mistaken. My life is increasingly similar to a run away roller coaster ride; beyond my control and no way of getting off. It is a direct reflection of what I want...everything. Specifically, everything that conflicts. I want adventure, but I want simplicity. I have incredible wanderlust but just want to be in Pittsburgh near my family. I want to excel in an academic field, be important professionally, and conquer challenges; but I just want to be a high school teacher/cheer coach with an upper middle-class lifestyle and husband with "the job." In short, I have no idea what I want and I live inside my head far too much.
This brings us to the quest: happiness. With all the uncertainty of my life, with all the planning, and trying, the doing the right thing (read: socially appropriate thing), I've lost sight of happiness. I am anxious from living in the future, I am lonely from depriving myself of things and people that I love, I am exhausted from being overwhelmed, I am unkind to myself in a way that would be unacceptable coming from others, and I am just really very sad.
The good news is that it doesn't need to be this way.
This is the 1st day of 2014, and I am in an all too familiar plane. Today is the day I began to take control of my happiness. Today, I did not mourn my situation. Today, I did not cry when I left my family. Today, I CHOSE to be grateful for my time at home, my time left in Japan, my work, my friends, my job, and my life. Your character is directly reflective of the choices you make everyday. In 2014, I choose to be happy.
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12/29/11; 2:49PM – EST; 12/30/11 4:49AM- Japan Standard Time
What am I thinking as I sit on a plane full of Marines en route to Iwakuni, Japan? I’m not particularly sure if I am even forming thoughts at this point. I’ve been awake for about since about 4am on the 28th with intermittent naps and I’m not sure if it is the sleep deprivation or the realization of what is happening that has me so emotional. I suppose the most prominent thoughts in my stream of consciousness read things such as, “I miss my mom/dad/sister/fiancé/grandmother/cat/house/city (etc);” “wow this Marine to my left must think I’m a douche as I wipe random tears away”; “I shouldn’t have eaten that muffin”; “I don’t know how I’m going to do this”; and “I don’t know what the F I am doing.” In summary, I am terrified. Terrified that I will fail miserably in a land basically the furthest away I can get from my support system. Terrified that, because I am wearing officer bars, people will expect me to know things that I don’t nor have a clue as to how to find out. Terrified that my Chief will hate life, and I will be in 2 years of hell. On that same note, the rational side of my brain is screaming: “YOU’RE GOING TO BE FINE; YOU’LL FIGURE IT OUT.” I really have no choice but to figure it out…so figure it out I will.
Underneath the battle between terror and rational thought, I am pondering how I got into this mess in the first place. The double edged sword of having an exceptionally close family unit and amazing home life is that I tend to encounter all experiences the hardest way possible. For example, turning down PA school and guaranteed job and salary near my loved ones and going to study public health on a whim. Public health led to the military as I’m pretty sure I don’t want to live in my parents basement for the next 5 years and pay 1200$ in loans/month until I am 45 (no, that is not an exaggeration). Once in the military, it was only appropriate that my only 2 options would be BFE desert California or Japan. The larger hand (i.e. God, energy, the universe, whatever you want to call it) tends to guide my life is very difficult directions with hard choices. It’s my jobs to make the difficult experiences work for me and to grow from them. Let me emphasize that fun is nowhere in the initial equation; that comes last.
The logical string then takes me to the concept of safety. When I’m scared, I think of the repressed half of my life that just wants to be taken care of. Sometimes, I fantasize about being a full time mother, and leaving the real work to my husband. I have been very clear with my fiancé about prioritizing his career, and I have to think it must be motivated for my need for security. I only speak for myself when I say that it is wonderful to be able to be to take care of oneself with no help; however, it is equally wonderful to have a partner you can rely on.
Lastly, I’m thinking of the symbolism of the New Year. I will be starting 2012 in Japan, and there is no way my life could NOT change at this point. Some personal goals I have for this next phase of my life include learning a basic understanding of Japanese and an understanding of what it means to be an international citizen; to be on some area of Mount Fuji; to make good friends and form a support network; to understand my job and perform it competently; and to maintain a good equilibrium with a healthy lifestyle and weight.
As for now, I will hold my breath and jump. I think its called faith or something?
October 16, 2012 UnGodly early.
Here I sit around midnight Pacific Time watching my husband sleep peacefully. I wish I was beside him. It's not that I'm not tired because frankly, I'm exhausted from the 23 hour journey from Japan to Cali. I'm a ball of anxiety about my upcoming deployment. I can't believe I've gotten myself into this. Like how did I get here? A non-deployable billet; a one of one officer in a remote effing clinic in Japan; DEPLOYED?! REALLY?! Ugh. I find myself in these impossible situations time and time again. I understand I'm being tested for my lot in life. I often wonder why I didn't get take an easier route. I don't have the strength of character or courage to be in a combat zone. I am petrified of the person I will be when I get home...IF I get home. I realize this may sound mellow dramatic, but people are effing crazy over there. I really don't want to die. I've been so fortunate for my lot in life, I wonder if this is the great equalizer. If it is, I cannot complain because I have had more happiness than most have had in their lifetimes, but its hard. It's really difficult knowing that I am going into this formative thing, and not knowing how I will turn out physically, mentally, or emotionally. I have never shot a pistol or a rifle and I have to carry one always. I'm just a mess. On some level, I know I will be fine. Many have gone and come back. On the other hand, if God says it’s my time, it is. It's still terrifying. Again, hold my breath, jump, and see where I end up.
November 15, 2012
I cannot express how disoriented I am right now. It’s sometime in the middle of the night, not that I could figure out what time of the day or night it is from the jump seat of a C17 (or C130, who knows). Since we pulled out on the 12th (PAC TIME), we have been to 2 states, and 3 countries. Perks of being an Officer, however, include being first class in a military charter. When that charter is Delta, it includes a fully reclining pod chair that I would never be able to afford…EVER. It would have been rather enjoyable had it not be for the chest crushing anxiety I was feeling. We’re beyond that now so all that is left is the chest crushing anxiety. In minutes, I will be landing on Leatherneck and this incredibly scary evolution will commence. Again, everyone around me is asleep and again, I feel like I am the only one that is in a panic. I am terrified, and barely holding it together. I’m actually exhausted from working myself up. I am so worked up that I half expect to be shot dead the minute we hit the flightline. ASKJLFSKGHSL! Get it together, Cate!!! Tray tables up, seats in the upright position, and here we go. Godspeed.
